Esme Writes.

It’s rough going when you want to start all of your writing with a big fat F-U-C-K.

4 days without a drink. No coffee. No cheese. No meat. What the fuck was I thinking? The vague attempt at attacking vices head-on is like taking an eraser to a chalkboard written in that one off type of chalk that always left the imprint of lessons in patchy lines. Slow going. So slow going. Where did all this shit happen? How did I allow all of this to become my life? What the FUCK am I doing in Los Angeles. Oh. Right. Acting.
Makes perfect sense. (This sentence is dipped heavily in sarcasm inside my head.)

Except that it isn’t. I really mean that it makes sense because I find more and more that it’s what I want from Los Angeles. I want that without doubt. I want that from this hell-bent to destroy me town. What I forget is that this city is indiscriminate in it’s destruction. Los Angeles is hell-bent on destroying everyone. I’ve watched it happen. In the year and a half that I’ve lived here, I’ve seen my entire life swap and switch gears and the life that I want and lead stop, reverse and then barrel forward.

I like that I don’t feel constantly swept away by some terrible barreling river anymore.

I like that I feel closer to being “Me.” (This sentence is not dipped in sarcasm, I just love that ever-egotistical search of identity and the fact that I seem to be searching my soul a lot lately. I believe it to be the lack of pizza in my life.)

I like that I haven’t gone out. (GASP!)

Social suicide in Los Angeles. Or The Story of How I Changed Everything in a Matter of Two Weeks.

Maybe I should capitalize EVERYTHING. Who knows? I can shoot for the goddamn moon if I want. It helps sometimes cause then you can do that Hallmark thing of landing somewhere near it- orbiting in space trash looking at the stars while everyone else is in the gutter of yesterday’s present.

What I am saying is, Don’t quote me on this.
And I think I’ve started grinding my teeth in my sleep but it’s only because I want it all so much. (It? What is it?)

I think most importantly is that I’ve been listening to a lot of Neil Young. And The Antlers. (I saw them live with some very lovely people last week. It made me feel….whole. It’s been awhile since a live show made me feel that wellgood.)

And it’s a lot about impulsiveness too. I like being whimsical. I want to do what I want to do. If that means walking alone in LACMA for two hours (also listening to The Antlers) then I will. If it means getting my heart set on a roll in a Suzuki commercial to be shot in the desert next week-

All I am saying is- just don’t quote me on this. Quote Neil Young if anyone:

“Tell me why/ Is it hard to make arrangements with yourself/ when you’re old enough to repaint but young enough to sell?”

And The Weakerthans have been helping too…..